Alright.  So.  I’ve decided to start trying to blog, after finding myself completely unsatisfied with journaling, obsessed with writing things down, and feeling stifled and not able to express myself as well as I would like.  Please bear with me in this experiment; I have no idea how this will turn out.

First off, I guess I should put out a disclaimer, especially for my family or other people who may be slightly more sensitive, content-wise:  I will be 20 in 20 days, and as a young adult, I do use profanity.  Sometimes it is the only way to get across how you truly feel about something, and since this is all about me expressing myself and being honest, I am not going to be polite, politically correct, or sugar-coat anything.  That being said, I apologize in advance for offending anyone or telling you more than you ever wanted to know about me.

OK, on to the good stuff.  And yes, this post is going to be super long, because I have a lot to get off my chest.  Go ahead and go to the bathroom, grab a drink, get tissues, whatever, you might be here for a while :P

So, right now I am super pissed off.  At a lot of things and people, but we’ll start with things.  First off, finals blow.  A lot.  And, although I’m grateful that all of mine are projects and papers and no actual tests, and that I get them all over with tomorrow, I am still very annoyed and upset that I have all this work to do on such a beautiful night/day.  I am so sick of writing papers on vague topics and trying to b.s. my way through citations that no one will ever read or check that I think I want to puke.  Again, which leads me to my next point: having stress-induced gastritis blows.  Throwing up is like the worst thing I can imagine happening to me, and it keeps happening, over and over again, followed by immense hunger and fatigue.  I hate it, and I want it to stop.  I haven’t been able to eat normal amounts of food for over a month now, and its getting old, really fast.  Hopefully it is just a stress thing, and it will go away once I get home, but that’s not helping me now and soothing platitudes are just making me more pissed about it.

The next thing I hate is money, and the capitalist system in general.  I was so careful, and I worked so hard to make sure I would be able to be financially independent in college, and no matter how much I save and budget, I always come up short and end up having to call home for money.  It makes me so mad and disappointed in myself, and I feel like an inadequate person when I have to do it.  I wish money wasn’t necessary, and I could get the things I need by like trading people for a skill or food or something.  I would do some serious henna if it would get me gas or laundry detergent.

The third thing I hate is depression and all the hurt it causes.  I am tired of being depressed, and I am tired of depression hurting all the people I love.  The number of people I am close to who are also depressed is staggering, and there are a few of them I am really worried about besides myself.  Dave is really struggling, and I am starting to have trouble coming up with ways to help him.  I love him so much (he is my best friend and yes, we are currently dating), and it kills me to see him so upset and not be able to help at all.  He is trying so hard to fight back and he is getting the help he needs, but things just don’t seem to be working yet.  I will keep you posted as things progress.

Now, on to the juicy part: the people I have something to say to that I am too chicken to say to their faces.  First off, I am a pretty nice, kind, easy-going person.  But if you do something which hurts me or hurts somebody else enough, I will not think highly of you.  I really only have room to hate one person at a time (more than that becomes cumbersome, and I can never decide who I hate most, etc. so its just best to keep things simple and pick just one.  The rest of you I only strongly dislike.)  So.

To Someone:  *SELF-CENSORED* But, the general gist of it is, fuck you.  If you want to know what I think of you, ask me to my face.  I have never hated anyone as much as I truly loathe you.  Leave my friends alone, and stop messing with my life.

Wow, that feels good.  Usually I just obliterate people in fiction, but it felt waaaaay better to say it out loud where I know it will be read and acknowledged.  Does that make me a horrible person?  In all honesty, reading back over that, it is pretty hateful and awful…I don’t know if I should really post this, but what the hell…its not like I used their name.  I don’t care if if makes you think less of me; I am not ashamed of sticking up for myself, my friends, and my dignity.  She deserves every word of it, and probably much more.  Oh whatever, I’m putting it up censored, after much moral deliberation…after all, its better than a lot of the other, more destructive outlets I’ve considered.  The only reason I’m putting it on here is because journaling about it just wasn’t doing it for me, and I think knowing that someone somewhere has read my dirty secrets and bad thoughts is a really nice confession type thing.  So, judge me as you wish.

To Someone Else:  You have hurt me in ways I didn’t know I could be hurt.  I didn’t deserve any of the stuff you put me through, and no amount of apologies, hugs, and fake laughter is going to make me forget about it.  That said, I love you.  You are still a big part of my life, and I consider you one of my closest friends here.  I know I should hate you as much as I hate the person addressed above, but for whatever reason, I can’t.  Anyway, I hope you won’t give up on me as a person, and I hope we can continue to be friends even while I’m gone.  I’m sorry that I hate said person so much, but you know I have my reasons, and that I can’t really help it.  I promise I will work on trying to change…I think being away will help that a lot.

I’m sorry.

To Another Person:  I have had a wonderful time getting to know you this year, and I am truly sad that you are leaving.  I will miss you a lot; you were a wonderful friend to me.  However, you were kindof a terrible date.  And no, you never did call.  I opened up for you and made myself quite vulnerable, and you never returned the favor and occasionally made me feel kinda stupid for feeling the way I do.  But I am not going to let that get to me: you made me feel pretty, and wanted, and smart, and wonderful, and for that I can never thank you enough.  You will be missed, my dear friend.

To B.B. and S.M.: Please stop trying to get in my pants.

To D.W.:  I miss you.  Just because you got a girlfriend (whom I adore, by the way) doesn’t mean you get to ignore me now.  I was around first, and if you didn’t know, you were only the second boy I ever told that I loved, even though it wasn’t romantic.  Please come back to being my best friend again…I miss having someone I can consider my brother.

Ok, well, now that I’ve started crying, I think its time to break out the chocolate and call it a night.  I feel like I should end on a more positive note, though…so here:

To H.H.: You are wonderful, in every way!  I didn’t think I would ever find a girl-friend that I would actually get close to here at school, but I guess you are the exception that proves the rule.  You are fuckin’ awesome, and I’m honestly quite jealous of just how cool you are.  You are so interesting, and deep, and I hope I can learn from you and develop into as beautiful of a person as you are.  I’m really sorry about your whale, but I would be more than happy to help you make a keychain to remember him by :]

Goodnight, and thank you for suffering through my agonizingly long first blog post…I promise to keep it short from here on out.  Much love!

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